Magical TurnAbout-- Let Me Spin A Tale, A ThouSaNd LighTs, A StaGe as Grande

Monday, March 12, 2007

He’s not only a director…
Or an instructor.
He’s neither a somebody
Nor just a someone there on every Tuesdays and Fridays.

He’s more of a friend…
A good friend
And a close friend.

But why do you have to leave us just like that?

Blueprint:
He guided me in my first step to take on an emotional role. He never fails to comment on the lack of emotions and the display of affection and lack thereof. “ More emotions…” he said. When we rehearse at the sauna-of-a-clubhouse, when we rehearse at some old classroom and even just some open space… And, he teased relentlessly about Ian, and me, which brought about a whole truckload of after-effects riding on the wave.
I wished he could do that again. I wished he could tease me all over again.

Rehearsals and sessions:
Disagreements exist and emotions frayed but we persevered. “ I want to ta-bao chicken chop and [the infamous] green apple”. “ It’s ok…” “Haze, Haze go away, little Dennis wants to play”. I missed all these. I missed your snickers, your lame jokes, your laughs, the space- covering, the heads and toes game and even how every time a new member joins us, the introduction will always begin with name, course and whether we are single or attached. The easy banter we had and the laughter we shared, will there even be a next time?

Meetings:
The meeting we had at your house. I complained about how far it was and almost got lost. Can I get lost again? This time I’ll not complain. I promise.
Dan Dan. Remember how you introduced your precious friend to us? The friend you have to go sleep with every night? Is he by your side now?
You always try to come for our meetings. No matter how busy you are, you never fail to make time for us; attending our meetings and giving your suggestions. Even when you are on treatment, even when you are not feeling well because of the haze, or even when you are not supposed to be out and about, you came to our meetings. We appreciate what you have done for us. We really do.

Msn conversations/ SMS:
A window popped up. “ Are you busy?” or “Hi, are you tired?” or “Can we talk?”
The conversations over MSN and SMS are what made you more like a friend. I can sense the concern you have both for me and for the club. I took it for granted, thinking that you’d always be there at the next session. But alas, reality fails me.
The window “Yeah! A great 2007 countdown…” will never pop up again. My message inbox will no longer contain your messages.

When I think about it, part of me blames you for what happened. I know its wrong of me to have this opinion or thought for that matter but I just can’t help having it. I blame you for not telling anyone of us and for self-discharging. Why did you do that? Why did you lose hope in yourself? The Dennis I know is a happy, shiny person. Even when rehearsals got cancelled and plays got axed, you kept generating new ideas to push the club and raise our morale. Now, you lose that hope.

You left just like that but you did not teach us how to cope without you. You entered our lives and now you are out of it in a split second. It’s not fair to us. You can’t just enter and leave as you please. Take a look at the wounds you have left gaping wide. You never taught us how to sew them together again.

…I thought blaming you would make it easier.

I thought wrong.

The moment I’m told this devastating news, I did not cry. I did not weep. Everything seemed so surreal, as if it had all been a nightmare. I thought when I wake up the next morning, everything will be fine; you’ll still be the old you, with that eclectic brand of humour and personality. I thought back to 2 weeks ago when I last saw you. And now…

Everyone comes to our lives for a meaning. They will affect us one way or another. Here, you, Dennis Tan made that difference in my life. I will accept that you are really gone. I will be brave and not cry because I know you won’t want to see me cry. Your presence for that short one-year in my life is filled with glorious moments and halcyon times.

When you are gone, I’ll face life bravely. When you are gone, I’ll still do my part for PSF. And, when you are gone, I’ll still remember you: My director, my friend- Dennis Tan.

I miss you. We all miss you.

In loving memory of Dennis Tan.

Beauty in the eye of the beholder;