Thursday, March 15, 2007
The day of the cremation. The day of the release of our semester results.
I remembered the aim we set for our results. I fulfilled my aim, my promise- got the results you would have been happy about. I am glad but when i thought back to how you will never be there to see us exchange our new aims and report our results... well.. its just not the same anymore. Don't get me wrong. I am satisfied with my results but i guess the joy is not whole because of your non de presence. Yet, i believe you are there watching and you would have been proud of me too right? I want to continue working hard, fulfilling my dreams and promises to you. I want to make you swell with pride at the achievements of PSF. I want to be able to pursue my dreams and live my life to the fullest because you did it and so will I.
These past few days were clouded with memories: the games we played during sessions, the toilet-paper-made-sash awarded to us for the 'news commercial' we made about you, the various names you had, our first session, the way you directed Blueprint and just being you, yourself. I'm writing it all down so that might there be a day where these memories slip away, i can always look back at what i have written. I know as time passes, bits and pieces will get lost in transition. The memories i have will shrink each day. No matter how desperate i try to retrieve these memories, i know a portion of it will trickle away. Yet, i know there will still be just a locket to lock a portion of it away in my life. As long as i know i've the chance to meet you in life, i guess the rest doesnt matter anymore. If there's one thing in my life i know is a kosher, it would have to be finding a steadfast friend in you. Thank you, Dennis.
A dream is not only a fictional shaft of light from our sleep, but a reminder of the past and a motivation for the future. I will work hard to attain my goals and to gratify myself in the snippets of everyday life.
I will because i believe.
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
I said my final goodbye to you, knowing that you are in a better place. At least I am comforted in the sense that you are not suffering anymore, that you are rested well and that you lived your life to the fullest. You made a difference in my life and this will never be erased even when you are no longer around.
Before today, I chose not to believe that you are really gone.
I composed myself not to cry because Dennis will want a happy farewell. And, I did not cry. Many times, tears threatened to spill especially when I saw the article and when I talked to your mother. But, I controlled. However, when I walked out of the wake, I kept thinking of all the good times we had and how cruel it was to have it all taken away in a blink of an eye.
Emotions swarm in my head and memories flooded my brain. I am sad but I am not one with expressing myself. I don’t know how and when to. Yet, on the train ride back, a tear spilled.
And, you are really gone.
Dennis, I hope you are happy wherever you are now.
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Monday, March 12, 2007
He’s not only a director…
Or an instructor.
He’s neither a somebody
Nor just a someone there on every Tuesdays and Fridays.
He’s more of a friend…
A good friend
And a close friend.
But why do you have to leave us just like that?
Blueprint:
He guided me in my first step to take on an emotional role. He never fails to comment on the lack of emotions and the display of affection and lack thereof. “ More emotions…” he said. When we rehearse at the sauna-of-a-clubhouse, when we rehearse at some old classroom and even just some open space… And, he teased relentlessly about Ian, and me, which brought about a whole truckload of after-effects riding on the wave.
I wished he could do that again. I wished he could tease me all over again.
Rehearsals and sessions:
Disagreements exist and emotions frayed but we persevered. “ I want to ta-bao chicken chop and [the infamous] green apple”. “ It’s ok…” “Haze, Haze go away, little Dennis wants to play”. I missed all these. I missed your snickers, your lame jokes, your laughs, the space- covering, the heads and toes game and even how every time a new member joins us, the introduction will always begin with name, course and whether we are single or attached. The easy banter we had and the laughter we shared, will there even be a next time?
Meetings:
The meeting we had at your house. I complained about how far it was and almost got lost. Can I get lost again? This time I’ll not complain. I promise.
Dan Dan. Remember how you introduced your precious friend to us? The friend you have to go sleep with every night? Is he by your side now?
You always try to come for our meetings. No matter how busy you are, you never fail to make time for us; attending our meetings and giving your suggestions. Even when you are on treatment, even when you are not feeling well because of the haze, or even when you are not supposed to be out and about, you came to our meetings. We appreciate what you have done for us. We really do.
Msn conversations/ SMS:
A window popped up. “ Are you busy?” or “Hi, are you tired?” or “Can we talk?”
The conversations over MSN and SMS are what made you more like a friend. I can sense the concern you have both for me and for the club. I took it for granted, thinking that you’d always be there at the next session. But alas, reality fails me.
The window “Yeah! A great 2007 countdown…” will never pop up again. My message inbox will no longer contain your messages.
When I think about it, part of me blames you for what happened. I know its wrong of me to have this opinion or thought for that matter but I just can’t help having it. I blame you for not telling anyone of us and for self-discharging. Why did you do that? Why did you lose hope in yourself? The Dennis I know is a happy, shiny person. Even when rehearsals got cancelled and plays got axed, you kept generating new ideas to push the club and raise our morale. Now, you lose that hope.
You left just like that but you did not teach us how to cope without you. You entered our lives and now you are out of it in a split second. It’s not fair to us. You can’t just enter and leave as you please. Take a look at the wounds you have left gaping wide. You never taught us how to sew them together again.
…I thought blaming you would make it easier.
I thought wrong.
The moment I’m told this devastating news, I did not cry. I did not weep. Everything seemed so surreal, as if it had all been a nightmare. I thought when I wake up the next morning, everything will be fine; you’ll still be the old you, with that eclectic brand of humour and personality. I thought back to 2 weeks ago when I last saw you. And now…
Everyone comes to our lives for a meaning. They will affect us one way or another. Here, you, Dennis Tan made that difference in my life. I will accept that you are really gone. I will be brave and not cry because I know you won’t want to see me cry. Your presence for that short one-year in my life is filled with glorious moments and halcyon times.
When you are gone, I’ll face life bravely. When you are gone, I’ll still do my part for PSF. And, when you are gone, I’ll still remember you: My director, my friend- Dennis Tan.
I miss you. We all miss you.
In loving memory of Dennis Tan.
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
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