Saturday, May 27, 2006
When all else fails, when medical knowledge can't save a life, when the patient has onli 3 days to live.. What do u say to the patient? what do u say to the family? How do we face it? Do we pray for miracles to happen? Or do miracles really happen? A string of questions but no answers.. At a time like this, nothing u say, nothing u do will ever seem right.. Losing ur close kin is almost unbearable, the pain is intense.. jus like how u lose ur arm in a battle! But, it is always those hu are left behind that suffers..
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28/05/2006: My uncle passed away.Ok, i might not be very close with him, not seeing him often.. But, when i went to the GH to visit him ytd, the plight almost made me teared.. He was in a lot of pain.. Semi- conscious.. And he can't really understand wat is goin on around him.. My cousins, his daughters were by his side and the despondency was evident in their faces.. Then, today the inevitable happened.
i hav no idea wat to say to his family members. i feel that silence is the best form of mourning. silence is golden!
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tell me..
What did i do to incur the wrath,
ur 'kindness',
jus ordinary a person..
Jus one like i am..
i don deserve it..
i don..
leave things as they are,
leave time in a capsule,
let all return,
to the original form,
the place it belongs.
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Friday, May 26, 2006
ok.. so start from yesterday.. fri! gt someone's concert at Ajc lo.. hmm.. who's dat? haa.. yea.. jel's guitar concert called tis wierd but nice name called Vibrato.. wonder wat dat means.. So, aft my classes end i journeyed to nyp which is opp Ajc to meet up wif the rest of them.. But, cuz my classes which are suppossed to end at around 4 ended one and half hr earlier.. Due to our lecturer being NP idol judge and so need go prepare some stuff or the other.. hav no idea.. ha.. but cant imagine him being the judge.. And, the best tink was he keep askin us to go sign up.. haa.. And, the next worse tink was that.. when we went into the class, he spinged a surprise quiz on us.. on dreamweaver.. of which though he taught last week, i hav apparently no idea how to do.. But, gd tink Carrie helped me out a little.. and i might be the one hu get sort of de lowest score la.. jus cuz of missing a certain step.. well.. can't help it.. And, next.. at graph comm ytd.. de lecturer added another proj to our already sagging bundle of proj.. And the dateline is like de same as the previous graph comm bauhaus proj, can u believe it? wa.. talk bout being stressed! tis is it..
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so, ok.. aft dat went to nyp to wait for rou.. And, i tink i hav a conclusion:" i muz be the most patient person in singapore?" haa.. cuz i waited for like one hour plus.. Now, i m not sure if patience is really a virtue! ha.. though ok credit being that while i waited at the bus stop i thot thru my projs.. but.. its still.. nvm.. ha.. though cant really blame them oso cuz my classs end earlier than the stipulated time.. So, yep.. den when audrey arrived we went in to nyp to find some food.. hungry! And though the food is nice.. de serving quite disappointing.. shld hav eaten mac in de first place!!! And oso, aft dat went to buy a piece of cake fer jel.. haa.. * muz eat ok?*.. And its about nyp's closing time when we leave for Aj..
reaching there, we were quite late? cuz almost everyone was seated and de seats were almost filled up..Oh.. and aft datsaw nc ppl.. So long neva see these guys lo.. gt hmm.. sx,jh,alden,yt,cal,yx,sp,ys,lam,kl,zp,and.. ok cuz u la jel.. ha.. so many ppl.. like nc gathering lol.. and de whole hall was like all of the performaers' fanclub... everyone shouting names when de performers starting to perform.. including us.. haa.. funny! But, i oso realise that though some things change, everyone of us went in diff directions... some things will still remain unchanged! yep.. dat's wat i missed bout u ppl.. de lame jokes neva change! ha..
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Finally, it has been a great day for me.. a really great dat which i don wan to spoil wif some of my thots on certain matters.. shall not pollute tis entry as yet..
trying to upload those photos..
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Thursday, May 25, 2006
I hav no idea wat i m writing here.. i m suppossed to be researching on my green tea proj and filling up the template.. After the rest of them hand it over to me, i will then put them up on mel.. As a submission.. duh.. but, yet here i m stuck here, typing away.. Haa.. trying to pry myself away.. hmm.. y m i still here? grr.. *hands off the keyboard!* haa.. okie.. a miserable attempt! But well.. i seriously hav no idea wat tis blog entry will be about.. my sch day seem to be kinda boring.. So shall not dull this entry jus going on and on about my school day.. Even i feel bored by it.. Oh.. okie.. except one tink.. i had my first test today! in Marketing.. haa.. So emotional ah.. my first test in poly.. hmm.. can say that the teat is quite ok/ i dunno.. din really like memorise anything or study fully, really too tired.. but gd tink the test still manageable? well.. hope for the best..
Oh.. and i received a piece of gd news but shall not say it here first till its further verified.. haa.. don wan to be all excited and disappointed all over again.. So, shall keep thr thrilling suspense first.. and will onli reveal if its a good news! haa.. so hopefully it will be.. But then, it will be next fri so... quite a long wait.. better for me to prepare, if not i will tend to stumble over my words/ haa..
P.s. i tink the thrilling atmosphere is not quite there at.. but, nvm.. haa..
Shall end my entry short today.. nothing much to say..
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
These few days hav really got me gasping for breath..The work load is really terrible! All the datelines are jus one or two weeks away, and when ppl in jcs and sec sch are having their hols, there we are rushing against the elements.. Is it really worth it? Jus now, during CATS, the lecturer asked me y i chose Np and if i can gian entry into a jc.. DAt made me think.. well, but in de end i tell her this:" i hav no idea, since the reason of distance is out." yep.. Ok, And today's SW though i don serve and do underhand pass, and onli volley the ball.. ok.. and the humoungous appetite of physicals.. I m drained physically and emotionally.. By the time i reach CATS class, i m already 'stoning'. I tink whatever the lecturer said i don really pay attention.. ha.. but credit to me that i tried to participate in the discussions.. haa.. And, aft sch, i hav got filming for location video prod... we are supposed to shoot a few scenes on the topic evolving around the vending machine.. And, we can't find an actor so in de end, i jus well.. presummably act lo.. But, the equipments we used are so cool.. Gadgets i hav onli seen used by tv crews... And, aft dat jus wrapped up and go off.. Along the way back, i really feel so blurr-ed.. feel like dozing off.. and i almost missed the train stop at outram.. really tired..
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well, prob due to psf meetings the day before.. which ends at like 9 or 9 plis.. n resulting in me reaching home at bout 10 plus i guess.. With no dinner, jus a shepard's pie to last me for a whole day.. grr.. But, psf was kinda fun i guess.. all the trainings stuff that has some sort of similarit to my sec sch stuff.. made me nostalagic, missed drama club in sec sch.. haa.. rite.. But, its really a successful one cuz i feel more shaped in aft all the routines n act- outs.. hmm.. well.. though there are some discrepancies along the way.. but still its fun..
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Saying this, made me think about stuff-- stuff about myself! It made me think.. what kind of person do i belong to? introvert or extrovert? I am no introvert cuz i can't really stay still for a min.. i like to move about.. i like to learn new stuff.. i can really chatter non stop to ppl i feel really comfortable with or that i noe for some time, i like being on the move.. So, i really dunno.. However, i m no extrovert too.. i actually prefer going home and rest to going out wif my frens aft sch.. as in now.. ( not during sec sch days..), i don really talk when i feel very tired-- i will jus clam up.. And i do like some alone time where i can jus slack and not do anything at home..And, i don go around introducing myself to a new grp of ppl..
haa.. so shld i be in the middle? or are we suppossed to chosse which side of the fence we belong to?
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Mon: 22/5--now, i m in school.. time: 13:36.. Today will be a long day.. all lectures till 6pm.. argh.. tis is it.. and thinking of all the projects, assignments and eerything that constitutes being in mass comm? tons of projects pressing down on my back.. breathing hard on me.. everyday what's on my mind is how to rush out the proj, meeting datelines, worrying bout how to start and all.. its realli like the first time since o levels or so that i really comprehend the meaning of what the word stress means.. a whole new confusing world, a brand new mystical realm, where i m so not farmiliar with... Everything being a swirl..
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But, tis morning ms. thomas said smth bout the media that questions what do u mean by a responsible media.. shld they all report on all the thruth, no matter how ugly the truth is, no matter what consequences the facts might cause? like racial riots that disrupt the peace in our country? Or shld we take to our minds the consequences behind the truth? But, will that den be a responsible media? Because all the facts are downplayed.. Not all the truth are displayed.. However, come to think of it.. If everyone believes in the freedom of speech, there are no regulatories.. den do u tink singapore will still hav her renowned peace and stability? so, well.. its jus in my opinion that there be a line drawn between the amt of freedom of speech we are being able to present.. Challenging the boundaries given to us can only be up to a certain extent.. i guess..
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ok, and now.. today is tues: 23/5
din manage to complete my blogging ytd.. so well.. I realise my blogging don really get frequent nowadays cuz of the tight schedule that i hav to catch up with.. Its quite difficult now.. ha.. So, ok.. Now, i m back at home aft goin to sch fer 2 hrs in de morn for a tutorial on loc vid... Made me travel so far fer jus de measly two hrs.. argh.. hmm.. though actually intented to stay till bout 6pm, aft which jus head straight fer cca.. That was before Peter fell sick.. So, we hav to cancel on our proj and postpone it to thurs instead.. Dunno if its a good or bad tink.. but well.. sorry that peter's sick.. apparently he's down wif high fever.. well.. take care! ok.. and we hav not found our actor fer the short video clip that we hav to film.. But, however.. i hav to take the long journey back again for my cca.. psf.. and so in de end i onli hav like 3 hrs plus of rest before i head out.. All due to the travelling time, utter waste of time.. But, ok... no complaints.. little rest is anyway better than no rest though..And, today's psf meeting will be till 9pm.. late.. Night falls.. Imagine the dark sch compound.. ha.. though actually the nite scene is really not a bad tink though.. I like the atmosphere at nite-- cool crisp air, moist environment smelling of grass n a..( sort of clean air? though singapore don really hav any clean air to speak of..)haa..
ok, i realise i do crap a lot.. don even noe half of wat i m writing, and when i look up from my keyboard i realised i hav typed so much.. wonder? Then, now let me draw an overview of wat i m suppossed to do for de rest of these week.. ha..
weds: pe( but.. i sprained my hand..), oh.. dead.. CATS.. (wat m i supposed to do?) i completely forgot bout it.. start on my marketing proj n do the templates fer marketing
thurs: stay back aft classes to do loc vid shooting, marketing test, start on research for bauhaus
fri: aft sch go ajc for someone's concert.. haa.. Catch up on bauhaus proj..
ok, oh oh oh.. i m supposed to be doin medisoc assignment den hav to dash to shower and out of the hse.. ok.. better end here..
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Friday, May 19, 2006
Meeting datelines, rushing thru projects, 'camping' overnight with the projects.. Is that all dat is suppossed to be? Is that wat my 3 yrs are suppossed to be? It's like a 'dog-eat- dog' environment, where only the fittest survive..(Still rem the book on 'call of the wild' where we hav to read in sec one.. haa..), the weakest becomes the play.. Totally Darwin's theory of revolution.. Everything is competitive.. u neva noe wat is real and wat is not.. Everything is contained within itself.. There is no time for a breather, no time for long talks.. nothing.. What we should hav is the determnination to race against time, to have the will the put up with the insanity of pressing datlines and to emerge a stronger being.. This is what 3 yrs of mass communications in Np brings to me? Or will all these take a toll on me, draining me physically and emotionally? Considering the factor of time, distance and motion.. Its really a dread..
However, at least now i m studying stuff i like, stuff i m interested in, stuff i won ever feel bored doing, stuff i m passionate about.. i guess its a good tink, isn't it? i mean all the things learnt in tis course are not subjects i forced myself to accept.. i actually enjoyed them n feel that i belong.. that i m a part of tis nonsenscical world of media, of films, of design, of language..Feeling in sync with the modules i take, with the path i hav chosen.. I m truly happy.. i set my goal of coming to tis course n i made it.. Throughout the process i hav felled but i moved on.. And, yes.. i m proud to say tis is my fruit of labour..
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Once again, today the day drones on.. graph comm n web comm.. Both has thedesign element.. itsa fun i guess, but so many steps at a time, i kind of cant get it, n got lost in the middle of the track.. So, the resulting one might be that i hav some facts that are uncleared... And, i get more stressed up on the bauhaus project as the lecturer taught on how to get good phamplets done etc... And the dateline is really pressing.. Not forgetting that after sch todae, went to do proj on marketing green tea.. So, a fully packed day.. lack thereof.
p.s. how to get photoshop?
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Well, today all lessons again.. or rather shld i say tutorials.. feel darn tired throughout the day.. can't seem to catch a breath to really rest well.. it feels as if the world is spiining way too fast, too much.. The projects are piling up, yes.. A lot of work has yet to be done.. datelines are approaching.. Everything pushed against me in a way too tight manner.. I'm losing control all of a sudden..I want a break from all these.. A rest no doubt.. But, even in my half- conscious state i can hardly breathe a clean wisp of fresh air.. i wan out!
Today, explored SP lo.. wif zy n yw.. haa.. N we can practically get lost inside la.. actually, we went dere fer like onli a moment lo.. den hav to rush home lo..But, the campus ish so big n we hav to walk on foot de whole journey lo.. Ok, and com to tink of it.. ytd cuz a grp of us were like late for CATS class so u noe wat we did.. we take a taxi inside de campus to reach de block where de class was held.. So super hilarious la.. take taxi inside the campus? hmm.. one of a kind.. ha..
ok, i hav no energy to write much today.,.. leaving it fer tmr.. Nitez..
p.s i haven buy my bro's b'dae present.. argh..
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Today had sports and wellness which left me drained physically.. i mean all those runnings, crunches and stuff.. really tiring.. And wat's more.. We hav to practices in de scorching sun, though i mean its good for tanning.. ha.. but, its really beating down our backs as we run all about.. Not forgetting, all those spiking, hitting, serving we hav to do with our hands and arms.. Now, my hand even has a blue- black adding on to de same spot last week.. terrible ain't it? Ok, don get me wrong.. Exercise is good fer health and its actually enriching for the 2 rounds of jog in de morn.. Helps prevent me from sleeping? i guess so.. But, when i go to CATS class i feel like fallin asleep, esp with strong air- conditioning.. Apart from de fact that i stink from all de pesperation.. haa...
And, today my fren lost her ibook n which i feel quite guilty about, cuz i feel somehow dat i inadvertently caused dat..She passed her ibook to me while she go into de toilet to change after sports and wellness.. And, its wif some of my frens bags all stacked together.. i carried mine wif me..So, ok.. when we prepared to go, she came out of the toilet, and everybody took their bags and prepare to go fer our nxt lesson, but nobody took de ibook i guess.. cuz, i thot she had wif her, her bag so shld be taken.. How wud i to noe she din take.. So, conclusion.. de ibook's lost n i feel so bad bout it.. dunno y.. but i m one in de grp which was dere n supposingly lookin after de ibook.. hai.. Hope some kind soul returns it!
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A specualtion? complexity? i hav no idea.. But, jus hav to wait out and see how everything turns out.. Tis entry is so depressing.. but it might be cuz i m now super tired.. i wish i could take a break from all tis insanity and start all over again.. Start all over? hmm.. wat do i mean? even i hav no idea..
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Monday, May 15, 2006
well, i dunno wat to say about yesterday.. But tis tink is really freaking me out.. i cant stand it anymore.. the forthrightness scared me, the confessions thrown me off guard.. its not possible.. cuz it jus wont work out.. Y cant human relationships jus be purely simplified and not a whole ton of tangled lines, complicating stuff? Can't a guy and a gal ever be jus frens? wat's so wrong about being jus frens, normal frens or close frens.. well, at least the relationship is easier.. i hav no idea.. But, what's happening now is not what is supposed to be.. what's happening now is really beginning to scare me, a little i guess... i dunno how to face tis and neither do i noe how to solve tis.. Everything is thrown into a tangled web of feelings and emotions, like s 'spider web' where the prey cant get out even if it struggles hard.. It will jus be a fruitless attempt.. And, it all come to the same conclusion:" complication and impossibility"..
If things are much simpler, and things don spin out of control, a friendship might even blossom.. But, now, tis moment, i dunno what's going to happen yet.. tell me..
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Ok, so well, today started quite a bore.. the lecturer drone on in class and ppl were falling asleep.. Well, not me.. cant la.. he my fave teacher lol.. haa.. Muz try to pay attention besides de fact that he's my fave teacher.. ha.. i better not say y he's my fave teacher though i tink most of de ppl in my class wud noe lo.. hee.. ok, hav to pay attention cuz we r like suppossed to shoot a scene wif the dv- camcorder nxt week, and frankly speaking i m still quite blurred by wat has been taught tis few weeks in classes.. ha.. ok, And interestingly we get to sorta 'script' our own short clip, find an actor to star in our clip and direct it.. Oh, and i m in charge of the scripting part.. fun i guess..i jus like to script.. hee..woah.. lots of work i guess.. And jus fer a 15 to0 mins clip we hav to spend 3 to 4 hrs on it.. wa.. 'fabulous'? ha.. actually, i guess tis is all part and parcel of what being a mass- commer is all about! all projects... So, ppl still tink tis course is kinda prestigious n nice and all, but see tha amt of effort we hav to put in..
Ok, And aft dat went to de lib to get some work done on our web graph proj on some kinda production houses stuff.. And, glad to say we made some headway after all and at least gt to a headstart n discuss some general stuff.. Now, still hav de green tea proj which is on quite a dead end, and my graph comm tink.. Oh, still hav CATS? woah... i hav totally lost track of how many proj i hav to do.. And tests and exams? hmm.. Tis seems like a case of paranoid..
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what shant said jus now rings a bell in my head.. i rem someone telling me smth similar too.. He said that to be frim on my stand and don be so good to everybody.. hmm, and be meaner to ppl.. well, i don really get it.. he asked smth like when did i ever get angry or smth.. jus like wat someone told me then.. And it really set me thinking..
i mean, come to tink of it.. i seriously don get angry much, or if i do i m not really that kind of person hu screams my head off or swears at ppl.. i feel wierd jus swearing.. like the words don belong to my mouth..But, actually tis is quite a negative social psychology tink, cuz i keep all my repressed anger inside? but, i seriously cant get angry at ppl, (wif the exception of my parents.. haa.. serious!).. i tried to get angry at someone hu really gets on my nerves and u noe wat.. de next moment dat person said smth funny n i end up apologising for wat happen.. don ask me y.. i don even understand myself..grr..
So well.. wat can i say?
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Saturday, May 13, 2006
11/5: wll, tis day went to meet up wif efiling frens.. ha.. At orchard rd.. And we decided to go catch a 'raving' movie.. haa.. ok, oh.. And mr. Bala finally finished the ANGELS AND DEMONS bk... muz say congrats ah.. seemed like an eternity lo.. ~duh.. ok la, quite fast? (sorry, i m tellin a lie..haa..)ok, so aft dat when everybody arrived, which was like quite some time cuz a number of them late.. And i still thot i gonna be late and rushed dere.. but lo and behold i can still be considered on time.. Hmm, well.. so aft dat went to catch the movie--'POSEIDON'. well, its quite a nice movie though at some parts really feel as if my heart's in my mouth waiting to jump out, and quite sad though cuz a lot of ppl died.. its jus heart-stoppting? And, the best tink was that i keep commenting during the movie:" like hoping the gut don die and stuff like dat.." i tink mr.bala muz be kinda irritated lo.. so bad la.. keep asking me to shut up.. haas.. hey, not my fault de movie so 'exciting' lo..hee.. ok, den aft dat hav to rush home lo.. So well, depart outside Tangs..
12/5:well, i so don like being dragged back to sch on a sat, its quite saddeding.. one less weekend for me.. and wat's more i still gonna travel so far jus to reach sch.. its jus horrible.. y did i even choose a sch dat is so far from my hse.. Am i really in a perfect state of mind when i m choosing my schs? i wonder.. ha.. ok lo, actually that's how i tink before i actually stepped into de sch..
So well, aft dat.. We had some games, some stuff that has to do wif acting? i guess so.. but they are really a laugh..a lot of short skits put up today were hilarious to the core.. Fantastic ideas, lame jokes, ice-breaker( though today really quite little ppl..duh..) haaz..Actually its quite a fun afternoon, i hav to admit.. Though the sort of hearts@np event where all the performing grps in np havto like gather togather to forge a closer bond or smth..But, i tink quite a couple of us feel that its quite lame.. ok.. sorry to the organisers ah.. (muz be crying inside the bedroom lol)hee.. And, the band music really so darn loud.. not even considered music to my ears.. guess i'm not someone who appreciates rock band music... its jus defeaning..
And, ended my day by goin off from de event earlier cuz i need to reach my gran's hse which is at sengkang at around 8.. which i so did not reach on time.. so, shron n i came out first.. Oh, and so nice of Ian to acc us all de way out to de bus-stop..And, still walk back all de way aft we board de bus.. hmm.. really thank u.. Its been a great day in de end i guess..
personal composition: Turned away
from the peace, the sercurity
my safety anchor afloat.
I, lost the key,
my past enclosed,
behind the huge metal gates
And, a 'thud' sounded.
Blue hues of misery,
black foreboding
Not a glimmer, not a gliter
Nothing.
Where am i?
stepped past the boundaries,
heart strings tore,
voices echoed fear
No lights; black.
with heart in my mouth,
limbs numbed,
face flushed ashen,
I stumbled.
Then,
lights glared.
Air rushed past,
Everything swirled within.
A gaping hole present,
the intensity gratifying,
I'm sucked in,
admist everything.
A new leash on life,
irony upon its peak.
Yearned for my key,
the past to behold
picturesque beauty.
Not this, not now
Walls closing in,
bars of steel enclosing,
Let me out!
Where is my keyhole?
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Don't be so nice to me.. ur little gestures will really touch me easily.. i don wan to feel touched.. i will fall deeply.. i don wan to..And, ur confession thrown me off guard, stripped me of any defense.. its really too fast, too furious. Lets put a halt first! i don tink i m ready for that.. not now.. this is all jus a new beginning for me.. i feel its all too fast.. sorry..
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Ok,now i better not spend so much time here.. I seriously need to catch up on all the projects that are really piling up beneath my nose.. the assignments.. the studying.. Woah, starting off with a list of projects to do: graph comm on bauhaus design concept to do a brochure, web comm on a production house, marketing on a proposal on a new green tea product, media in society on media updates and designing of own quiz... Assignments: reading up on location video prod, media society and marketing..
Really.. a lot rite? cant believe it.. i m really so lagging behind and yet now i m sitting here(in front of a com) typing away.. not slogging on my projects and assignments. Aft today's tutorial classes which i hav gained much more in- depth of points i'm unclear of, i m kinda satisfied.. but jus hav to really do some catching up..
And, sat i still gonna head back to sch for an event-- supposedly some arts event that PSF is involved? but well, enough.. tmr still gonna go out wif e-filing ppl, so better catch up now.. More updates later.. Now, see below..
I jus read this fabulous book and would really love to share my thoughts and feelings involved.. By the time I finished this book from start to end, tears were streaking down my eyes in torrents.. ( well, all the author’s fault.. everytime I read any one of her novels, I neva fail to end up in tears.. haas..) well, the title of the book is Angels In Pink- Holly’s Story by Lurlene McDaniel.
This is an extract from one of the most devastating scenes that really washed my face with a fresh coat of tears.
Ben is a little child of 8 yrs old who was felled by a terrible disease of lukeamia and who was dying, yes.. jus at the mere age of 8.. he don desearve to die..
" I'm scared of the dark."
she glanced around the room. The lights were turned down low. Raina shrugged. Kathleen reached over and turned up the light box on thw wall behind the bed. "Is that better?"
He shook his head. " It's going to be dark inside that box they'll put me in. It's going to be dark under the ground, and I'm scared."
" I-- it's not that way", she said slowly. her mind searching for a way to help him understand.
" I don't want everybody to go off and leave me alone in the dark." His voice sounded pitiful and very frightened. Tears pooled in the corners of his eyes.
Ok, this really short extract of Ben's conversation with Holly and her friends, the pink angels, is something that's really moving.. An innocuous comment of his fear of death being displayed in this little extract, fans the readers emotions down to the point of dismay and sadness.. Ben is too young to die, jus like another character in the book( Holly's beloved brother, Raina's soulmate..).. why do they hav to die so young, and not having enjoying life to the fullest.. It's not fair.. Life shouldn't be like this.. Well, but even if death come as expectedly.. the ones left behind will never really be truly prepared for it.. Nobody will be prepared for what is going to happen to their lives... The process of departure will always leave huge gaping holes in the people that matter most to them, to the people who really cared enough to hurt, who really cared enough to weep.. Everyone's hurting really badly and though time will erase all despair, heartache and loneliness... the heart will always not be whole ever again-- there will always be a scar even if healing does occur.. To, Hunter and ben:" go along to the next phase of ur journey.."
From this book, lurlene McDaniel did a really good job on conveying the message that though people don really get to choose what life gives to them, they can choose how to cope with the various obstacles that are laid in their path. Don ask what life has to give, ask yourself what you want to give to make ur life whole!
These done, things said, Am i really able to let go?
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Yesterday was the best day ever.. As in well, all my time in Np.. yes.. yesterday was the best.. Poly Stage F'Actor.. my cca now.. ok, i noe a lot of u guys muz be thinking that it muz be so boring, joining back the same old cca where i hav had in my sec sch days.. but well, ok.. i wanted to tr out fer the Ambassadors but well, i missed the audition dates so cant blame me though fer not trying.. And i wanted to try fer NRA hip-hop dance too but once i heard that the auditions hav to pay like $5 and some kinda bad comments on the club, i decided to bail.. i mean seriously its jus a rip-off, considering that its not even 100% entry.. Ok, so what still interests me? hmm.. table-tennis actually not bad though.. cuz at least i hav like a little of basics(* self-trained! lols..) n i hav like 8 bats at home.. wait.. However, training ish like 2 days.. *kinda bumm-ed out*.. sorry den, i m kind of lazy.. dat type of don wanna wish to stay in sch fer long type.. Considering how far the sch is from my house.. grr.. tis is so super disgusting.. y did i even choose a sch dat far? i m beginning to tink i m not even in the right state of mind when i m entering my choices.. haas..
Ok, So.. u see, it kind of sums up to...*drumroll...* My.. *flashlights flashing*.. Poly..Stage.. F'.. Actor..* a round of applause...* Haas..ok.. So yesterday, aft location video tutorial which ended at around 3, waited till around 6 n went fer PSF first session.. gt introduced to a whole grp of mates n seniors,which in other words our commitee members.. They are such interseting ppl, jus like de whole bunch of ppl in our first session.. Everyone are super hyper, fun-loving,crazed and DRAMATIC.. Tis is actually wat i hav always liked about drama.. the ppl will always be so enthusiastic n out-of-da-box.. u can neva imagine wat will happen the next moment.. its like surprises all throughout n we r constantly on our toes.. jumpy/ not really.. creepy/ not too.. more likely excitement! Oh, n our instructor is from Wayang Warehouse which i hav neva really heard before till then.. tink its a new thetre company that is oso under a charity organisation.. But, from the folder they gave us, i can see that they do produce some really great plays which i wud definitely luv to catch if an opportunity arises.. And, haas.. so much crapping here n i hav not even introduced our instructor's name: Mr Dennis Tan(artistic Director of Wayang Warehouse).. cool rite? hee..
And, the practice sessions fer the first session seemed farmiliar as what Mark Waites taught us n what my sec 1 n 2 chinese drama teacher taught.. missed those times.. we were taught spaces covering n some really fun stuff to make us feel comfortable wif handling our body n compositions.. And, time flies so fast that i din even noe its time to pack up n head fer home.. Oh.. wait.. its said that our first production might be some adapted scene from 'Beauty World' or 'Army Daze'.. haas.. jel see tis? what r u thinking now? tink my insrtuctor muz luv Dick Lee la.. A Very big 'maybe'.. haas..
ok, lastly.. ppl might tink drama is jus smth of fame n spotlights.. the glamour n popularity.. Yes, these r stuff that are components or rather the after-effects of a production, but yet to me tis are more to the secondary portion of drama.. Some might say tis is jus my hypocritical way of thinking but not the true side of what i really might be 'cooking' in my brain.. But seriously speaking, fame n glamour has its price to pay.. why wud ppl stoop so low jus to get their faces covered in big screens? Hav they considered what the consequences might be?parapazzi fer one..
To me, i like drama.. i wont say love.. its too strong a word or rather an emotion to use.. i m only at the starting pt of another new place, another foreign ground.. i cant really say i wud love it yet.. Time has to prove its worth! But, i definitely like drama, the acting,the scriptwriting-- i like being a totally diff person on stage, being wild n crazy in a role which i wud neva ever be in real life.. i get to experience the emotions i don get to do so in real life situations.. On the stage, i m not who i am.. i assumed a different identity, an idntity that disappears once the curtain's down.. Its full of elements of surprise n evoke a sense of emotional upheaval at times.. That's Drama n that's me.. Many values can be cultivated thru drama, many things to learn.. PSF is a part of the theatre all around, And i m part of PSF..
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Monday, May 08, 2006
8/5:classes start as per norm today.. i shall not elaborate much further jus dat the lectures today consist of funny lecturers.. on location video, tis korean teacher attempted to sing the korean national anhem n a korean song lo.. the famous 'da chang jing'.. is super hilarious la.. And he even used korean drama serials to teach us bout camera lenses, can u believe it? well, so u can jolly well say we watch korean serials throughout the lecture.. And, at j lo's class, marketing.. his lessons quite funny, keep cracking really lame jokes but well, i did learn some marketing stuff from his lame jokes.. so, well is it constructive/ yrp.. definitely! at least it kept me on my toes..
The royal grp, the lowly grp.. how do u define tis? are there some sort of status quo that we shld we aware when we come here, enter here? Some ppl can be hypocritical and act all goody around smth, or rather someone that matters to her popularity and social status.. these ppl are common in society and no doubt where u r.. Trying to ignore might be effective if u tink so, but all de more u avoid, they tend to appear in front of u, flaunting their assets-- namely status quo. But, does social status really matter? some might jus say they are jus a bunch of nonesencical behaviour that one tends to act in an environment where everyone does so.. where everything evloves wround cliques.. this is understandable? i don get it.. wat is so great bout being all n mighty in a clique, when deep inside u noe that u don really enjoy their activities and condemn their behaviour.. Sprouting 'words of wisdom' or rather a false pretence? i noe cliques are norm around the society now..who don belong in a clique? believe me, look around u.. everything exist in cliques.. animals tend to travel in grps, the world in made up of colonies-- groups. face it, tis is the truth!
9/5: here i am, in sch now.. the lesson starts and end late.. but today we had so much fun.. thta's cuz we get to play wif the camera and really shoot some shots, applying the knowledge we gained in all his lessons.. well, it might not be perfect but i tink these hands-on practices are reallt much better, at least i noe how to difernetiate de diff shots, angles and views now.. de-dah.. i learnt smth.. ok, now, in sch.. i wished i can go back home n not hav to stay in sch though surfin de web wif my lappy is quite cool, but at the atrium its kinda hot.. haa.. but i hav my bubble tea n shepard's pie wif me.. ok,, oh n so nice of buzz to accme to wait till around 6.. cuz, *anticipation* i.. hav.. drama.. sessions lata.. i mean its my first session n all.. and, if it s only an audition den i gonna be screwed up.. cuz my voice has noy yet returned to its owner-- me.. pathetic me.. now, i hav a terrible voice n oh my, its fer one week already.. see how terrible life can be/ eeuks...
Drama sessions are like from 6 to 9.. pm.. can u even believe it? its so long.. by the time i reach home, igonna be dead-beat.. how? but then, drama sessions are only one day? bright side of the point? n de bad side? might be auditions, cuz which cca wud be so great as to jus recruit? duh.. haa.. ok, i tink i better end my post here... concentrate on my research on green tea instead..
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Saturday, May 06, 2006
hey aye, i do feel so free all of a sudden.. remembering during sch terms, in sec sch, no way do i get all these extra hours of rest.. So shld i be glad or not? well, seriously speaking, being too free all of a sudden makes me feel wierd all over.. when i look around, everybody in sec sch or jcs are mugging hard for their exams and mid-yrs but i m here sittin in front of a lifeless form-- typing fervently, passing time..
Now, i hav the time to really pause in my footsteps and really ponder over my descisions in a lot of things-- in my pathway of education, in terms of ppl,in terms of my future. All three are broad topics that i hav made, i hav taken a stand.. Come to think of it, what will i be doing now if i joined a junior college instead? will i be struggling with the workload, or will i be breezing thru and indulging in the vibrant campus life? If i chose to stay and not break off ties, what will happen to both parties now? will it blossom or will it falter and wilt? Will what we once have still remain the same, or will it not.. To my future, since i hav chosen what i wan when i enter a polytechnic, is it my right choice? Will i really succeed in my chosen field or will i live to regret my descisions? Something called to mind:" what we have is what we worked for, even if it means regrets but we shld be firm in our threshold against all odds.. There is no time for regrets and self-pity, what we shld devote our time to is to make our regrets wonderful and make our choices turn out to be the best in our life!"
I hav not regreted any choices i hav made and i m proud to say that.. though i noe in the process of making my stand, i hav hurt some deeply but i can only apologise. I do not want any of this to happen but since everything is in the course of actions, what regrets we hav now will oso not be able to reverse the situation. So, why regret? i tell myself:" i love my sch now, i luv the ppl there,i am sure of the choice i hav made, i wont live to regret.." haa.. some might say this is jus my naive thinking, but i jus like things as they are.. Thinking too deep, too complicated ,jus hurts.
Now, i muz try to embrace the sch as my second home, the ppl there as my closest family, the modules as my limbs and arms that take me as i climb each level in the steps to success-- graduation!And, i will..
p.s. singapore media developments in this one week? what does it mean? still searching..
p.p.s still searching...
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Friday, May 05, 2006
yesterday, hmm.. great day? well.. i guess its alright, minus the fact that i feel so darn sick.. my speech still has a prob.. n i cant seem to stop coughing and now my sides hurt so so much.. Being sick is really really horrible.. can i not get sick? i hate being sick.. i seriously don like it..
Ok, enough bout dat.. 5/5: fang, happy b'dae to u.. 17 years old.. haa.. older than me ah.. hmm.. nvm, its gonna be my turn someday.. Actually com to tink of it, i don really like growing up so fast.. it a scary thought.. And we don really get to do the things we really like, all thru the whole journey, a much larger portion of our time was spent on education.. well, its complusory and rather a necessity. sometimes, we shld jus stop in our steps and ponder over what achievements we had in the past yrs, are there any that we really enjoyed? i know, of course there are stuff thast i like, stuff that make me whole,stuff that had a great impact on me even till now.. But, growing up is really too fast, too harsh.. too complicated! i am not sure if i am ready for that..
Amd, yesterday's class ended quite early. web comm teacher gave us a proj, adding on to my already heavy load of 'crystilline dishes'. And the project has to do with some production house tink, creating website, aerving as a company.. Basically, doing a project! well, seems interesting? i hav no idea.. i don mind projects, and to say the truth i like projects more than exams.. seems like the direct opp of most ppl, but that's jus the way i am.. ok, So aft dat went bishan to meet up wif the old gang.. hees.. And celebrate fang's b'day at thai express.. woah, and priase for the food.. really not bad and its oso the first time i taste soft- shelled crabs.. so krabby! yum-yum.. While we r paying and getting ready to leave, this unreasonable manager of some sort came to complain bout how de queue is blocking the entrance to their shop, and it seems as if a fight is about to brew,*imagine those waves of fury..* haas.. but the manager of thai express handled it so darn cool.. praise for him too! good service! haas.. yea, then aft de meal we went our seperate ways.. has been a fun time catching up, shld do it often.. Keex..
There, now up yo this morn, terrible terrible feeling.. my cough seems to get worse over the night.. And when i wake up, it seems as though a fresh bout of drowsiness hits me back again.. a really bad start to a day.. .. And my mom hav to bring me to the doc again, but his time to a diff doc.. haa.. a more competent one? hmm.. prob.. muz see how the med be working its effects on me before further comments.. but, this doc is so much better.. very patient and all.. shld hav gone to him in the first place.. den wont end up in such a sorry state.. but, though i like this nice doc, i don like the medicine.. they r so bitter.. B, yes wif a capital b.. and still give me pills to swallow.. And the prob is that i don noe or rather don dare to swallow pills.. how? grrr.. So ok, dissolve de pill in water and take it in one glup-- already the last resort.. haa.. i noe when u ppl read till tis sentence, sure wud be doubling over wif laughter? but i really dunno how to wat.. cant blame me.. Yuks..
Seriously, i really hate being down sick.. like all the germs and bugs in the world cling on to u.. and the whole day u live in a swirl, throbbing headache and coughing fits.. face scrunched up in pain and agony.. eeuks.. i don like it.. don wan these symptoms.. Analysing, how do ppl get sick? Ans: playing in a servere downpour, standing in front of a strong-willed machine called a fan-- naked, eating all sorts of heaty stuff wif indigestible bacteria present, just standing among a sea of germs,viruses and bacteria.. All considerable points.. But most are real-life enconters though not necessary me, myself. So u see, if that's the case, ppl fall sick quite easily, that's y doctors earn so much.. but funnily, doctors get in touch wif so many patients but they r rarely ever sick.. What's the formula?
all in all, being sick jus ruins the mood!
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Thursday, May 04, 2006
todae in marketing class, the lesson very stimulating.. jerome loh keep challenging our answers to make us think further, more in- depth, just like in medisoc the lecturer oso did that to us.. they will keep asking us why this thing happens, who do u tink is responsible to this,if grafiti is a form of protest art then, why wud it be called grafiti again now that during street art festivals, in stead of doodling, its sprayed on canvases n given a limited space? So, seriously these questions really set me thinking.. are they true? And in marketing. we get assigned a project which lasts i guess about the whole semester or even longer.. And it is 30% of our whole grade.. a lot of weightage.. Now, to the title of the product we hav to suppossedly market will be the : "new green tea".. ok, seriously how many of us actually do drink tea, ice lemon tea excluded.. but i for one, don like green tea, red tea, yellow tea, or whatever colours of tea avaliable in the market now.. So panic starts to grab me.. how r we supposed to do this type of project..Past projects done by last yr students were on apple products which was so darn cool.. But now, well.. we r stuck wif this? hmm.. actually, y not we look at it in a different perspective, tis might be easier as the product need not be too techno type or involve a whole mass of gadgets..See, now it feels better, yea? So ok, we hav 2 projects now.. And that means we gonna buck up soon, no more slacking around and say that life is just like that.. A lot of work now.. And argh.. panic.. I hav not chosen my ccas.. now that NRA is out, what's more is dere? tis is gonna be so sick.. wish i can not join one but i guess its not seemingly possible unless u don wan to get into a uni, which i so want to.. psst.. so..
And when i see advertisements marketing a product now, i kinda think that these ppl are jus trying to con us into buying the product.. i tink about how is it beneficial or harmful to the society and what kind of marketing technique was displayed.. oh my.. see what the marketing class get me into.. now i hav to view advertisements in such a bad light.. well.. too bad! heeX.. (ps. seems a bit mean i guess.. better retract my words.. so hurtful to aspiring ppl who wans to dip into advertising..)
ok, my apologies first.. i guess i tend to jump from one event to the next, with seemingly no connection, except that all these matters and thoughts occur on this day.. well, i always end my post wif a thought, a feeling.. And today is no exception i guess.. " i tried to indulge myself in conversations,in the excitement and all when i'm dere.. but it seems that i m not there.. This is ironic, i m there physically but not there emotionally.. i don mean to tune out.. i meant to really listen and particpate, but i jus happen to be not really enjoying myself.. Everytime i m dere, i jus feel like an extra tire in a four-wheeled vehicle, its not exactly isolation but rather jus detached. i don feel close, i don feel a bond, i don really feel excited at any prospect, i don like the things.. Its a place of dread and distaste. all these said and done, what else can i do? i hav to spend long days there, i cant hate it.. i hav to embrace it. i hav to be rooted there, but i dont. is this my own doing, is it that i don give myself a chance to be in dere, is it that i m still living in the past; living in utter denial of what's happening around me? i keep asking myself, racking my brains, asking if tis is really what its suppossed to be.. but i cant get an ans! i m not enlightened.."
Sometimes, social discrepancy can be a troubling topic but yet its something we cant ever ignore even if we want to.. its all part of our life, part of being who we are, just like a social entity. We can try ways and means to jus leave things as disastrous as it might be or seperate urself of any social life.. but do u tink by doing this u will be happier? by doin this u will be getting what u call a beautiful life? i can tell u its not possible, just like how its not possible to deny the impact advertisements do to u..(haaZ, i m so influenced by marketing class now.. bonkers!) everything in this world when we are borned, are tied to one another and to the surroundings.. the invisible thread between us cannot be just sawed off simply, because here simplicity is not a word but rather complexity. i m still trying to figure out..
Why cant everything jus be simple and sweet? all the complications are driving me mad jus to even think of it superficially..
That's y secondary sch days are still de best: simple schooling!
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Today, i hav sports and wellness-- volleyball. the sport i chose and the one i hav to stick for at least this whole semester. actually thot tis is sure gonna be a tiring training, and yes though the tired part is still dere, the fun part doesnt leave too.. Initially, we reached late and not changed.. so gave quite a bad intention to the instructor and she made us run 2 rounds aft we changed... apparently everybody finished the 2 required rounds and we looked kinda stupid running by ourselves wround the track... woah, my first time running aft so long and miraculously i managed to complete the 2 rounds without pausing fer a breath.. record!!! hee.. Den aft dat gt a number of exercises to do before the real game.. like crunches( which i hav neva heard before and thot its amazing.. till i tried it myself.. it horrible..), backward, forward stretches and a lot a lot.. So now, my muscles are like aching terribly.. ok, when the real game begins, woah.. so fun.. though i mean i still trying to grasp the hitting part and the spiking part.. my whole hand is bruised now.. one whole patch! yuks..
Now, fast forward.. aft sch, went to meet the gang of peeps lo.. for a heinious crime.. Psst.. now cant really blogged bout it la.. in case the secret info is leaked out my private investigators, (oh my.. dat will den be so disastrous.. all our hard work will slosh down de drain..KeeX..) opps.. i guess i m being too over-dramaatic.. sorry, my nature/ a leopard neva changes its spots, or rather a zebra never changes its stripes.. haaz.. oh.. before the heinious plot that we hatched, me and cheng went to NC to take our o-level cert back.. woah.. i missed de sch so much, missed the good old days of jus strolling down the hallways, crapping in class, popping over to other classes and basically jus hang around, rushing thru tons of work, participating in all sorts of activities and basically jus enjoying the simplicity of schooling and not worrying about any other stuff, the farmilarity of the school where i studied and breathed for 4 yrs, the teachers, the stall vendors and the people there.. This place holds a lot of memories for me: the first time i failed a test, the first time i actually sobbed, the first time i competed in SYF, the first time i made a tough descision.. And tons more... not everything can be written down black and white, some might be forgotten now but yet i noe that it will be imprinted in my mind forever. Beautiful that made me whole, painful memories that dealt me a blow. Everything that happens holds a symbolic meaning no matter how terrible the process is. i hav endured, havent i?
Just now, i told someone there are sure to be chances for any future developments at the matter at hand. He seemed so dejected n i doubt he really get what i mean.. but well, i mean that there are sure to be chances. Chances are created by man right? What u want, u hav to fight for it.. it don com naturally yo u.. ur destiny lies in ur own hands.. if u don help urself, nobody can..
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Argh.. y in de world muz i lose my freedom of speech? robbed cruelly of my speech.. i feel so horrible.. cant talk much.. wan to shout oso cant.. wan to speak oso cant.. And during tutorial todae, i wanted so much to voice out my queries about wat mr. emilio was tokin but de question jus kinda gt trapped in my throat.. such an uncomfortable feeling.. really hope i can get cured faster.. i wan my voice back, so much..
Tutorials, kinda a bore. nothing much, jus trapped inside a freezing studio where de lecturer attempted to teach us about DVcams and how to operate.. a lot of functions and technical stuff.. And sad to say i kinda zone out halfway, esp under freezing conditions wat can i do thou? haa.. Then aft dat, went home straight instead of joining the gang fer lunch cuz i kind of feel sick all over so decided to go home rest.. yrt now instead of resting, i m here on de net blogging.. and arguing wif chee seng.. ha.. so irritating la.. well well..
Oh.. Oh.. and my dear 5566 is coming to singapore.. yea.. so happy.. i m gonna buy all de newspapers leading to their arrival.. supposedly, they came for some sorta charity concert tink.. And sp gt to go lo.. happy fer her.. hey gal, muz rem to report all de details of them to me k.. take some photos if u can.. hee.. miss them so much la.. seem to hav no recent news of them n wat's more my xiezhi's book haven arrive in singapore.. tis is shoo sick..Why does it take so long to ship in ot fly in or jus bring in?
Finally:"Life is not a bed of roses, there are always thorns and pricks along the way that make u falter or fall. But, hav we ever stopped and ponder, stop in our tracks and think.. these are the obstacles in our life that mould us into stronger human beings to take on gargantuan tasks tantamount to what that we had previously being 'pricked'."
woah.. seriously i cant believe i thot of such a great 'philosophy'.. well.. something, someone gave me this inspiration..
Beauty in the eye of the beholder;
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